How have I been doing since August of last year, this month I will continue with another very frequently asked question? that appears in all Non-Violent Communication (NVC) training, and that is, when I give empathy, why do I guess? instead of asking.
But before getting into the details and before the celebration of these podcasts and articles that answer common questions… ??
I propose that you make me your suggestions and let me know what other doubts or frequently asked questions arise for you regarding Nonviolent Communication or regarding difficulties that you are experiencing in your relationships??
Can you send them to my email? pilar@inteligenciaemocionalycoaching.com indicating “frequently asked questions” in the subject line. I would love to continue with these articles depending on what I receive?
I thank you in advance because receiving these proposals gives me support, closeness and motivation?
Now, let’s get to the point…
When I give empathy, why do I guess? instead of asking ❓.
Marshall Rosenberg , the creator of NVC, explained that when we give empathy using Non-Violent Communication, many people are surprised because they think we are trying to guess? what is happening to the person instead of asking what the speaker is feeling.
More than guessing, what we are trying to do is make hypotheses? Others call it guesswork. And others interpret it as wanting to guess what is happening to the other person??♀️.
When doing this, when I give empathy, why do I guess? Instead of asking, it’s about being very careful, expressing it in such a way that it sounds like a hypothesis, we give possibilities???.
At the emotional level and at the level of feelings, they have not given us a very complete education?? So what I find is that people have a very brief vocabulary, very small to express how they feel. They usually say good, bad, angry?, sad?, happy? and little else??♀️, I share with you the article that I talked about feelings where you can find a very useful list.
What’s more, if already having a large vocabulary of emotions is still limiting because there are times when I cannot find the right word to express what I feel, if on top of that we have a very small vocabulary… Furthermore, there is something further behind, And are we not used to looking? What is this that I feel? There’s a mess?!
For example, I often hear expressions like: “I feel like you don’t care about me?” And they believe that this is a feeling, because of all that mixture of judgments, interpretations with feelings that there is. Are you sure you’ve heard it too?
Other times it happens that people are not used to it and asking them directly, “How do you feel?”, does it upset them? because they don’t know.
However, when we say, “I imagine that when you said this or expressed this, you feel sad, or you feel discouraged, or maybe you are tired, or… Because you need tranquility, or peace, or calm…” To the extent that We can accompany it with a “Is that so?” , we ask, is this so? Can the other person bring their attention to themselves? to see if it is or is not.
It may not be like that, but at least it gives the person a guideline to say “no, it’s not that, it’s this other thing.” Other times he says “yes that’s it, because so and so…”, he puts words to it and can gain understanding??
Restaurant metaphor
Metaphorically it’s like when you arrive at a restaurant ⛩ and they ask you what do you want to eat? Maybe you don’t know what to answer. Now if they give you a letter? And they explain to you that you have this first?? or that?? , the seconds ??? , the desserts???…, then it is easier for you to choose this yes, this no, and you can also ask, and what is this?
It would therefore be like giving a letter of feelings to the person ❤️????????? and make it easier for you. When I give empathy, why do I guess? Instead of asking, it is not about guessing and we also want to be right, this is not the intention. It is about accompanying the person in what they are expressing to you, you say to yourself internally, “Imagine if I were you and I became you and put myself in your place, could you be feeling this or that? Is that ??
Would it be like giving possibilities to the person who discovers? what is happening to him. Therefore, it is not guessing but facilitating? There are even times when with children and with many adults, ask them, “How do you feel?” they do not like it. Does it bother you? because precisely they do not know how they feel, nor do they know how to express it, let alone answer that question.
